Consumption

This is not something that I like to talk about and I hate those that use outings such as these to do so but tonight was what I would like to call a bit of an "excess." Insecurities can lead to side affects of all kinds. But when the insecurity is a side affect of something else- something bigger- then what is it that I am to do? I hate talking about food, my struggle with "food" and my past bodily issues. I have yet to accept them for what they are because I know not what they are. What is it that I'm supposed to be accepting? There was what it was before and then there was what I was told it was, and what my young mind accepted. All of this is pointless rhetoric and the point that I am trying to get at is tonight. I do not live at home anymore and I do not know if it is because I am not in my safe zone that I feel these night time cravings but I get them. And I know that they are more for something to do. Because for so long the only way to please people for me was to eat and so eat I did. So I now recognize feeling better with eating. But I need acceptance- still. I need someone to eat with; to tell me its okay to eat and eat a lot. Tonight I got my wish when my friend "pigged" out with me. For her its normal, and it probably would have been for me too if my state of mind(s) were healthier. But for me it was a binge, and I get disgusted with myself because I know, I know I am above that. Binging and it's term was something made known to me after the fact that I was sick, after it was a disease and not just something innocent, after I was medicated, therapi(zed), and "cured." Even the term "anorexia" disgusts me because that is not what I am. I am not that term but forever more I will automatically associate and be associated with it. An unwanted shadow. It is frustrating to try to untangle myself out of a mess of thorns I myself did not create. I once told my mom that I have never been the same since and she agreed. And that's sad. I get moments of motivation- motivation prompted by sickness- to be better. To exercise and clean and look, feel, and be better. All in the ending goal of a better outward image that will in effect make my interior feel good. But I know that it will not, that in truth it is the other way around. But four years later I am still struggling with this. I shall never get it because sickness was implanted in my mind and I can not shake it. I would not take it back but I would do it over to wish that I could be in more control.