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I'm doing what I do best- procrastinating. Today has been one of those days where I just sit around. Although I've read two chapters and am on my third for my exam on Monday, I have no remembrance of what I've read. My mind is boggled by someone far away.
What I always feared about relationships is the fact that someone would get to know me. I like the chase. Just exposition, not the story. The more you know someone the more they disappoint you and I didn't want to be someone's disappointment. I fear that once you give yourself over to be viewed as flawed that person can walk away with your flaws; that I am no longer myself but shared, broken into many different pieces. I fear that things between us will not work. I know that my mood on this is because of my overall mood lately. There is nothing wrong with me but yet I feel this way. My relationships with all people are failing and my social skills are falling into yet another low. I don't feel like trying. I over think conversations and what is said. I think into the future and plan it out and all the time it ends up short and fleeting. I think about and plan what I would do if we broke up even though I should be enjoying this time we are together. I plan things that I will hold off telling him till the future, till the right time, for maximum effect. I don't say what I feel when I'm angry for chance that it should end. I am a lap dog. I fear that he does not know me, all of my layers of me, and I fear his misconception. I am so ashamed of myself, of my past, that I don't understand how anyone could still love me if they know. I don't want pity I just want an understanding that I am not weak. I want to be held but not out of necessity just for the closeness of feeling. I want to be small and fragile but not a child. I just don't want to lose him and my paranoia is ruining my relationship with him.