How far within can I go? To retreat within beyond the exterior levels of skin and soul? In sleep one can go deep. I can go deep. Just to lay on my bed and retreat farther inward; within myself, outside myself. Such isolation's are irreversible. How can the mind dig itself out of the mind? How can the soul find clarity when walls built and nurtured stand in its way?
I always get an imprinting sadness when I know I am doing this. I always say don't make me retreat farther within. Don't make me lose myself. For I do. Whenever I am being bothered when I want to be alone, whenever I am awake on nights when my anxiety is flaming, when I see things others cannot perceive- I go deeper. As a child I played it like a game. I wanted to hide myself from the night and I realized that if I could hide myself on the inside that the night could never get me. I was night blind and my eyes could never adjust, so what lay beyond when day ceases to be light, I could never fathom. So I painted a picture of a wall around my soul and built it up thinking You can never breach this, and they couldn't. They, it- it's all the same now.
The reason for all of this is realities. Lately I am sleeping, but I am not sleeping. I am consciously asleep. I know what I am thinking but I am asleep. I am aware of the variables of the outside world. If I am expecting a phone call I think about it as I sleep. I cannot move to check my phone, I cannot wake my body up, I can only lay there thinking of the phone call. It is as if half of my mind is awake. So is sleeping a different reality? If you think about it you are no longer in the real world. When I say you, I mean you-your soul, mind- is no longer in the awake reality, only your exterior- but that ceases to count. So when you close your eyes and are asleep have you entered a different state of reality? And if so, is it possible to breach them? If anyone has ever read Charles De Lint or knows a little of the tales of the world in-between- our world and the old world- how it lays just beyond the brink of our awareness, all around us. Only a thin vale stops us from entering. Could this be said of sleeping? Is it possible to breach?
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